FEATURE: Severe Shortage of Mexicans Cripples New York Economy; Bloomberg Declares State of Emergency

New York, NY – In a press conference held early Sunday morning in an unusually dirty City Hall, Mayor Bloomberg announced a citywide State of Emergency due to a mysterious shortage of Mexican laborers. The mayor noted, “Restaurants all over the city are closing or reducing their hours of operation. Office buildings, including City Hall are deteriorating rapidly as garbage piles up with no one to clean it up. New York stands to lose $3 to 7 billion a week in tax revenues if a solution is not found quickly.”

The mayor noted that the problem has been escalating for several months as hour-long delays of Thai food deliveries triggered a flurry of calls to the city’s 311 telephone response system. Two weeks ago, further suspicions of a problem were aroused as Michael Eisner, CEO of Disney, was spotted picking up an SUV-full of day laborers at the Harrison train station in Westchester in an apparent attempt to get his offices cleaned properly.

In interviews with business owners throughout the city, the problem took on a more human face. “I couldn’t believe how much Mexicans have meant to our business until they were gone,” said Bobby Flay, owner of restaurants Bolo and Mesa Grill in Manhattan. “We’ve had to fly in a number of Guatemalans at almost twice the cost and a third less productivity. I’m hoping we find a solution soon, or else prices we’ll have no choice but to double our prices.”

Consumers, too, are upset. Dennis Rodriguez, a stockbroker who lives in Queens, has a more dire assessment of the situation. “This is the end! It’s a sign from God that we should have treated them better.” He went on, “Sure, I’d tip like 10, maybe 15 percent, whenever I’d get my food delivered. How was I supposed to know that wasn’t enough? I’m really devastated. Now I have to wait on line for three, maybe four hours just to get some cold Chicken with Cashew Nuts that sometimes doesn’t even have any cashews, just some cheap, overcooked peanuts. This just stinks.”

For all the devastation caused by the problem, few solutions seem adequate. Everyone is trying something. The McDonald’s on 68th and Columbus decided to try hiring Junior High School kids to supplement the work force, but strict child labor laws limit their work hours. The restaurant, however, has found the kids hard to train and the customers consider them rude and despondent at having to work in fast food. Other restaurants are desperately turning to Malaysia, India and Senegal for help, but language and hygiene problems have created as many issues as solutions.

As for the mystery of what actually happened to all of New York’s Mexican laborers, wild theories abound with few real answers. “I heard they just got pissed and left to Canada because they have free healthcare, but I don’t believe it,” said Lwanda Jackson, a Department of Motor Vehicles Executive Assistant. “I think they earned all the money they needed and went back to Mexico to buy houses, start businesses and pirate satellite TV.”

Sandra Finkel, a New York paralegal and self-proclaimed conspiracy theorist is convinced they were taken by an alien race called Beluvians. “I’m not one to be so presumptuous as to think only poor, white Midwesterners are the ones the Beluvians want. I think Beluvians are not that different from us. They face rising costs and labor shortages just like we do. Why shouldn’t they be entitled to inexpensive labor? I hope we, as a species, have learned something from all this.” When asked what lessons needed to be learned, Ms. Finkel seemed a bit less certain, “I don’t know. Maybe that it’s just a matter of time before delivery overtakes ‘take-away’ at most popular Beluvian fast food chains.”

In an election year, the issue has not escaped the attention of both Presidential candidates. President Bush was quoted as saying, “Nada es más importante que el alimento bueno entregado rápido.” Mr. Kerry took a different tact by promising to personally smuggle massive numbers of Mexican laborers in his first trip to Mexico as President. He further promised each of them free healthcare and “dignity”. The Bush campaign was quick to respond with a tersely-worded release, “We challenge Mr. Kerry to provide details on how he plans to fund healthcare and dignity for all Mexicans.”